When I smile

When I smile, you say


it is charming


when really, I


don't know what else to do.






I don't smile because I like you


(not that I suppose I am a simpering idiot),


nor is it a genuine one


only because


it seems to reach my eyes...






If you look closely,


you'll notice


how long it lingers and


at what I look when I smile.


Sometimes I smile because


it is embarrassing, and at other times,


I smile 'at' you


(for laughing at you is impolite


and one doesn't have to explain smiles as much...)






I always felt my face


was made to smile


at the shortest notice,


like its muscles could only relax


when they settled into a stretchy ease,


pushing my high cheek bones further up


till they hurt.






But then I also wonder


if any guy smiles half as much;


is it a pacifist gesture,


to show one's compliance


and how does it really matter,


what I feel underneath , if,


all you see is a satisfying smile?






And does it matter if I have


a sense of humour,if


I can't share the joke with you?






Yes, it does.






For,


it is not my fault


if you misread my gestures-


it is rather a mark of


your pompous presumptions


than my acquiesant submission,


like,


when you assume


I am dying to know


the names of people I'll never meet again,


or when you think


the few friends I have


are my karma and not my choice.






When you say 'wassup'


its easier to smile and let you talk


than try to begin to sum up


my present state.


When you ask my opinion


it is easier to grin my way out of it.


When you compliment,


I smile,


not only because I may not be sure


whether you meant it or not,


but because smiles do leave, sometimes,


no room for words.






Some other time I chuckle to myself,


refusing to share a private joke,


knowing it would be lost in translation,


or,


lift a corner of my lips


just to appear enigmatic


and leave you to trace it as it vanishes.


My smirk may be


a delayed reaction to


something only now realised-


so don't take it personally.






If I smile too much too often,


it is out of habit.


If I smile in response to a question,


please,


take it as a "no comments".


The fun is in interpreting,


so play the game


and draw your own conclusions.


Rest assured I can be oh so frank,


but I am just not in the mood to spoil your's.






So amidst all these manipulations


and distortions,


you wonder,


" does she really ever mean


what she smiles?"






I do;


perhaps a sad or quiet smile


is as close as I get


to show you


what I am thinking,


or a shy, slow one


tells you I am curious


and would like to know you more.






When my teeth come out,


it is often because


you are still looking


and the smile would have


otherwise frozen.


If you see a very slight smile


look at my eyes


and there, read my mind.


I am good at control


and thus can purse my lips


to hold back a thought or


a hooting laugh;


but also watch out


for when I hold back


a chortle in a smile.


Know, that camouflage is perhaps


the best form of survival.